This is the fourth in a series this year we’re covering in my weekly Y12SR session (Tuesdays 7 pm ET). Each month, I explore one of the 12 Steps through my own experience as a Yoga practitioner. What I’ve noticed over the years is that even if we may not identify as a person in recovery from addiction (of any kind: substance, process, behavior) it is a useful framework for looking at any behavior from which we seek freedom.
“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
Yoga, as I’ve been taught, recognizes five dimensions of being from the gross to the subtle- from the physical, to the psychological, to the spiritual- and in active addiction, often the physical and psychological parts are in charge. In my case I was feeding my body and minds’ primary needs for comfort and satiation. The other dimensions get lost in the shuffle of priorities along the way. In recovery, I was guided where to look to recover them. Step 4 was the beginning of that process.
I had made many searching, but fearful moral inventories of myself before getting sober- and they were all murky at best. I do remember having one clear thought, as I reflected on my life: “I don’t know myself at all.” I remember having conversations with people even in early recovery (here I’m thinking of 1-6 months) where the other person would say something they believed and I remember thinking “I have no idea whether that is true for me or not.” It was easy for me to chameleon-ize myself in social situations. I was good at being nice, friendly, even warm- but on the inside I was a mess. My relationships tended to be pretty shallow, because I’d never hold myself to account for staying in touch or deepening connection- I was too scared to do that.
It turns out that my relational template was based on staying agreeable, peaceful, and “good”- among other things- because it meant that even if what was going on wasn’t great, it was better than feeling uncomfortable or unsafe or, worst of all, alone. The result was that I didn’t give myself the time to really get to know myself, because even in my active addiction, I knew that to know myself would mean expecting better of myself and others. And that was scary. Of course, I understand all of this now, but acknowledgement and acceptance had to come first, long before understanding would be possible.
In my study of the intersections of recovery and Yoga, through Y12SR and in personal work- the steps are said to clear the vessel. This body, this being is a vessel. And this vessel can hold a lifetime of resentment, jealousy, avoidance, fear, self-centeredness- and, the most painful, deeply embedded anger showing up as either placating, enabling, or shutting down, or self-righteousness and harsh judgment. I learned to not have needs- or, when I finally had to express those needs, they came out as manipulation, expectation, and ultimatum. Others may or may not have seen this or felt it necessarily, because after all, in with the “bad” stuff I had a lot of great assets, too- I could be kind, loving, creative, enthusiastic, expressive, and devoted- but on the inside these patterns were eating me up. It’s said in 12 step recovery that resentments, for example, are the “number one offender” that destroy more alcoholics than anything else.
When stuck in these long-held patterns of relating and being, it was obviously hard to find meaningful connection. And I really wasn’t aware what they were, so it would have been hard to change them. Awareness and honesty are a necessary starting point for change.
Once I had support- through meetings, my practice, my first sponsor, and yes, an emerging relationship with a higher power- that foundation of love and trust made it possible for me to begin to get honest about all of this. It made it possible for me to focus on myself, my actions, and my behavior. So much of my resentments lay in expectations and disappointments in the way I felt others treated me, saw me, or thought of me. A lot of time, energy, and personal agency was lost in outsourcing my sense of self to the behavior of others, past and present. Not feeling in control of people and things made me feel more hopeless, and so it spiraled on and on. But I did have hope. A close recovery friend once said, and it sunk in: “Everything has a purpose, and nothing is ever wasted.”
Over time, as I wrote out my fourth step, I noticed that with time I could learn to shift my priority from needing to be in control (which never really works- do I really think I get to manage other people that much?) to allowing things to unfold as they will, independent of my efforts. The humility I was learning in Steps 1-3 showed itself here, as did the faith that a deeper part of me (which I’d later call my Higher Power) was finding itself and coming into being, slowly but surely. Just being able to identify my part in those conflicts or relationships that had suffered was a huge part of Step 4 for me. It created a space between what I had done and who I was. I was not those things- those behaviors had served a purpose, but were now standing in the way of my recovery.
My identity and self worth these days is less and less tied to the outcome of a situation- though of course, I’m not perfect. Steps 6-10 are about taking the opportunities that arise and amending (changing) our behavior when we recognize it. Boundaries eventually became an important part of this conversation too. For me, a boundary is a statement of humility. They protect both you and me from overreach and assumptions about each others’ experience. (I’d get there later as I learned to work with others.)
These days, in my recovery, I do my best to show up, be honest, be willing, be present, listen and act when necessary with wisdom, compassion and kindness. In order to get there, to get where I wanted to go, though, I had to be truthful about where I was. I had to identify the obstacles to those attempts to connect. I had to learn to connect with myself- and that meant being courageous enough to know myself. The fourth step made that possible- unlocking the cage that held my deeply protected heart- and the fifth step meant letting it out- and letting someone else in.
Join me for The Brahmaviharas: Unlocking the Heart, a four-session Yoga, Writing and Recovery series starting April 13 and continuing on second Wednesdays through July 13. These are offered as single sessions on a drop-in basis, or as a continuing series. For more information, sign up here.
