What it does it take to acquire willingness to change long-held patterns?. So often I want to go straight from discomfort to end-point transformation. I want a quick fix. There are no quick fixes whether we are talking about addictive behavior with substances or food or relationships… or our own complicity in white supremacy. The only way out, I’ve learned, is through.
I almost titled this post “On Avoidance” but I wanted to be clearer in defining the moment we arrive at a desire to change. This is necessary before change can happen, which seems intuitively true, but it bears stating clearly. I said in a previous post that we cannot change what we do not first acknowledge… but truth telling can come when our hearts are broken enough that the discomfort of remaining sick is greater than the fear of taking action.
I’ve been sitting in presence with everything, listening, reaching out to those in my close circle, writing, and considering the path behind, and the path forward. I’ve been considering the words of many Black community leaders, including Sonya Renee Taylor (whose June 5 Instagram video gutted me, and spoke to the exact feelings I’ve been having), among others. I’m taking care that any actions I choose in this moment come from deep reflection and not panicked reactivity and self-centered optics. I’m staying rooted in willingness and the humility that steady progress requires in this moment. This is the same approach I take in recovery.
For me, willingness came with fear in my addiction story. I realized I could not go on living the way I was living- I knew that. But I also could not imagine the amount of change I would have to effect in order to live a different life. This was my rock bottom. It looks different for everyone- some have to lose everything in order to hit bottom- and for some, that still isn’t enough. It’s the sad truth of recovery. But as we say in program, we can recover if we have the capacity to be honest.
So, becoming willing, I found I could step up and take many more steps toward healing, integrating what I learned along the way in body, in mind, and in my spiritual program, and ultimately, becoming of service to those in my recovery community who also showed willingness. I like to think of working with others as the Golden Chalice of recovery- it’s the best we can hope for as we move from isolation, avoidance, despair, dissonance, pain, shame, and guilt- to inspiration, compassion, empathy, loving-kindness, joy, unconditional love and acceptance, gratitude, service, and grace.
Another quality I have worked to acquire is equanimity- which when Googled is defined as “mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.” Equanimity may be the most difficult for many of us, in this moment. Sometimes this is described or thought of as “neutral mind.” It’s easy to confuse equanimity with avoidance- because I can fool myself into thinking I’m practicing neutral mind but actually I’ve entered a dis-embodied state where I’ve lost the ability to lean into suffering and pain- which in my experience is ultimately de-humanizing because it cuts me off from the fullness of my ability as a human to connect to others. So, I try to add loving kindness to my avoidant mind, and voila- I can lean in better to the moment, let in the fundamental truths that sit before me.
Briefly stated, the process for transformation outlined not only in the 12 step fellowship but also in many spiritual traditions, including those within the Yogic path, contains the following progression, which overlays perfectly the model for change in social justice work:
Something is not right, and suffering exists
I have a personal connection to that suffering and it gives me pain
I want to change
I believe something can help me change
I devote myself to the process of change, using that help
I take a thorough look at my behavior in the past and present
I let someone I trust know what I’ve been hiding
I want to do better
I commit to being shown ways to do better
I look more closely at relationships that have suffered because of my behavior- at the level of personal, societal, institutional, cultural, and spiritual
I do what I can to repair those relationships, taking action where I must (and it’s responsible for me to), and I accept that sometimes repair isn’t possible
I keep doing the work- keep listening, keep asking for help, keep being accountable
I develop a relationship with my inner world that sustains me and gives me guidance, protects my energy and my ability to set boundaries, read my “inner compass” and operate from a place of empowerment, integrity and humility
I allow the rippling positive effects of my work to everything that I do, and I take what I have learned and offer it to others who want to change too- dedicating the merits of my work to the benefit of the greater good
If it sounds like a lot of work, it is! But, it is joyful, deep work and it feels freeing to do it. It is, in fact the process of liberation- and the progression, as I’ve seen it described elsewhere, as the movement from “I” to “We”. I’ll talk in a future post about the amazing gifts that come from deep spiritual work and “clearing the vessel.'“
So with this, in accordance with the steps outlined above, I am extending an invitation to any of my white friends who are acquiring willingness and humility into heart-to-heart conversation.
I understand call-out culture, cancel culture- I really do. It makes sense that we’d want to call each other out publicly for our missteps especially as we begin to lean into this work. We hate that our colleagues and friends and family are not doing more or better. It makes us angry and feels like they are part of the problem. And perhaps they are.
In my experience with this, sometimes this tendency to call out or cancel each other is born of perfectionism, which is a part of white supremacy culture. I’ve done it. I can say in my body it does not feel integrative or kind to call people out. In my experience this only drives shame and guilt further inward and can be immobilizing to those who might otherwise step up. I will always call people in, or up. (That’s the point of this post, if it isn’t obvious.) I will cheer people on when I see them waking up. I will encourage them to be brave. “Keep going!” I will say. Yes, this is the work we should already be doing. No, we do not deserve a medal or public recognition. Don’t let that truth stop you from moving forward.
It is critical that we are aware of our motives as we move through the process of transformation- we might better aim to become people of integrity and accountability, not to perform or put on an image. It’s important to remember honesty is a vital early quality that we can and must acquire and maintain. We must not do further harm to Black, Indigenous and People of Color (BIPOC) individuals. We can, however, be okay with discomfort ourselves- challenge ourselves to trust our practice will support us. That’s what practice is there for, right?
The point is, we’re willing to grow, as it says in recovery literature.
Good luck, keep going, and reach out if you like. I’m here, doing the work alongside you.
I see you and I’m with you.
Here are some small, meaningful, yet powerfully affirming ways we can support ourselves as we do this work, in a way that avoids replicating existing systems of white supremacy. Remember, the system wants you unaware, isolated, sick, compliant, and dis-embodied:
Have a daily meditation and movement practice. You don’t necessarily have to sit still, but see if you can acquire some time to move the body and link breath. Yoga of course is one option, but there are others- chi gong, t’ai chi, dance, cardio (if done mindfully), walking meditation, and many others. Get in your body, and feel what you are feeling. Let it move, or let it be.
Find people like you. Create a small affinity group. Read a book together, or talk openly about where you’re at. Having a spiritual fellowship of the heart can help you identify gaps in your understanding and help you see what you cannot see. Give “spiritual consent” to one or two people whose input you trust.
Take naps. Yes, we can and we should rest. Turn off the screens. Our nervous systems and our bodies need time to restore during times of change. There is overwhelming evidence within neuroscience for the need for rest as vital to our mental and physical health and our ability to function. If you’re in doubt, check out Why We Sleep, by Matthew Walker. And for a resource for BIPOC in resistance work specifically, check out The Nap Ministry.
Find spirituality in any form that works for you. This can come in the form of your religious or spiritual tradition, or it can be time in nature, caring for a garden, or animals. Connect to something bigger. Feel a part of life.
If you can, find whole locally grown foods to eat. “Eat the rainbow,” if you are able. That doesn’t mean shaming yourself about eating certain other foods- just add the stuff you know is also really good for you, out of love for yourself and your recovery.