This is the ninth in a series this year we’re covering in my weekly Y12SR session (Tuesdays 7 pm ET). Each month, I explore one of the 12 Steps through my own experience as a Yoga practitioner. What I’ve noticed over the years is that even if we may not identify as a person in recovery from addiction (of any kind: substance, process, behavior) it is a useful framework for looking at any behavior from which we seek freedom.
“Made direct amends to those people we have harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
The word “amend” means “change”- in this context, changed behavior and perhaps more important, changed qualities of Being. Pride to humility; resentment to loving kindness; judgement to compassion; attachment and avoidance to equanimity and acceptance; greed to generosity. The intent of the ninth step is to clear our own consciousness from the pain of the past and set forth on a path of new life. It is not about making others forgive us for our behavior!
Having become fully willing to change the trajectory of my life and recovery by changing my behavior, I commence to look at those relationships that still sit in a state of disrepair or incomplete repair. I consider what type of change would be necessary on my part to make things right. Even though my voice may shake and my courage may waver, I make contact with those my words and actions have harmed. Before doing so, I consider:
Harm is a word very specifically chosen. Have I stolen or diminished someone’s livelihood, dignity, or health? Have my words and actions made someone’s life harder, or caused suffering or pain?
If the answer is “yes,” with help from my trusted confidante (usually a sponsor), I consider ways to make change through verbal or written contact, if that person can be located. This may include an apology, and acknowledgement of harm, and a desire to initiate repair, if the person is open to repair. In cases where someone cannot be located, or is deceased, written amends in the form of letters of intent, or meditative symbolic amends may be made to humbly seal the commitment to change. Alternately, gestures of service may be made in situations where communities of people have been harmed. This service should be offered without public mention or expectation of credit or reward.
“We need to trust timing, intuition, and guidance in this process of making amends. Once we become willing, we can let go and tackle our amends in a peaceful, consistent, harmonious way. It nothing feels right or appropriate, if it feels as if what we are about to do will cause a crisis or havoc, we need to trust that feeling.” -Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go
Is there a possibility that my amends would make this person’s life worse- or could prolong or exacerbate the harm already inflicted? If so, letters, meditative amends, and acts of service may also be more appropriate until and if circumstances change.
The point is the effort in making the change. We will not change overnight. It’s “progress, not perfection.” This is where patience and all of the practices we’ve adopted up to this point will help carry us through. We had faith enough to believe in restoration from the devastation of addictive behavior. We had faith enough in another person and our higher power to help us see our work more clearly and we have had the courage up until now to do what was suggested. We have our prayers, our practice, and our recovery community. We must trust that in time, we will feel different, and things will improve.
This is not easy work. It is a necessary step, though- and in my experience personally and working with others, having made every type of amends mentioned above, the change in my outlook is usually remarkable, and happens very quickly. The simple fact is that harm inflicted on others harms me, too- and the reverse is true. “Hurt people hurt people.” I know it on the inside, it feels as if it eats me alive and could lead to emotional or actual relapse if not fully addressed. So repair on the outside is healing on the inside. And even in cases where repair is not possible, the move to make change and to take responsibility is immediately empowering and often leads to a shift in other relationships- both inwardly and outwardly.
In my case, I was encouraged to deeply consider putting myself on the list of those I had harmed- and in the ninth step, to make tangible steps to take better care of myself. This meant considering my relationships in terms of harms I had allowed to be done to me. In those instances, I could decide what relationships I wanted to either ease off from, or nurture toward clarity and integrity. Knowing I could decide this was a critical step toward understanding that often, relationships are a choice. Eventually, this shift would impact my work in the community, and the vision I had for future relationships.
I’ve been on the receiving end of amends- someone was trying to do better by me, trying to live into new behavior and repaired relationship. I had to ask myself if I was willing to lay down my pride and acknowledge the effort, accept the gesture and let myself lean into the clearing that was happening. In some cases this was not possible- still, I could appreciate the effort and decide without malice to walk away from that relationship. In others, it was freeing in a different way, and led to healing, growth, and intimacy. It felt good to see and feel that I could forgive the behavior and honor the relationship. And in the last three steps, loving, healthy, sustainable relationships with ourselves, others, and our higher power are the focus.
